Coming Out

Um, hi. My name is Arin and I like girls. Welcome to my most personal and somewhat vulnerable post yet.

I feel like I should start out by saying that I didn’t even really plan on doing this, or if I did it would be during the summer. But I felt weird and like I should do something like this. So here I am. Doing this.

(Side note if you assumed or guessed this, I’m not surprised, I wasn’t trying to hide it, I just didn’t want to come right out and say it).

I don’t know how to begin, so I’m going to give a fun timeline of how I figured things out because when I was figuring things out I was desperate to know how people just knew this huge, enormous thing about themselves. And then, how they just like, seemingly suddenly dealt with it.

August 2018:

  • Started college! Yay. What a great time for self discovery.

October 2018:

  • After lots of late night thinking and research, I blurted out that I was asexual to two of my friends at dinner. I knew that was how I identified, but I had never really said it out loud or to myself before, so it was like. A big moment.

December 2018:

  • This is where things start happening, folks.
  • December 11th: I read The Miseducation of Cameron Post in one day. I listened to the audio and could not stop listening. I was feeling so many things throughout the entire book that I couldn’t yet identify but scared me a lot. I related to Cameron and the things she was saying way too much for comfort.
  • I continued reading more and more books that had nothing to do with LGBT topics, hoping that if I ignored all of feelings and questions at the back of my mind they would just go away.

January 2019:

  • I came back to college for a short term, which basically means I had one bullshit class that required essentially no work and left me with way too much time to think.
  • I spent a lot of time thinking about Cameron Post and about my life. I was struggling to remember if I had any notable crushes or if there was some massive event in my life that I had somehow missed that would have given me an answer to this seemingly giant question (spoiler alert: there was not).
  • Dodie released a studio version of her song “She” and I cried while listening to it on repeat. I couldn’t associate the song with any person, but it made me feel a lot of feelings that once again scared me.
  • I also started to get really sad this month, I started feeling not like me, very empty, and tired like a lot. I spent way too much time thinking and just wanted to be able to get out of my head for a while.

February 2019:

  • I started my second semester of college as an emotional wreck. I had emotional breakdown after emotional breakdown and a couple panic attacks thrown in for added variety. However, the new semester gave me a chance to throw myself at things that would keep my mind occupied so that I could finally stop thinking about everything.
  • When I got so far ahead on school work that it became almost ridiculous to continue working, I laid in bed going on incognito mode on my phone googling fun questions like “how do you know if you’re gay?”
  • February 15th: Mid conversation about something book related, I started sending Brianna a bunch of messages about how I had something that I really really needed to tell somebody but I didn’t want to tell anyone IRL yet but I didn’t just want to blurt it out to her either. Brianna, being the supportive, literal angel she is, was like, tell me. So I told her. I typed out five simple words: “I think I like girls.” Five words. Five words that had been driving me up a wall for two months almost because I didn’t want to admit them and deal with it. But I did. And it felt amazing, I suddenly felt like I was free. I hadn’t even said the words out loud yet, but typing them and knowing another person was receiving and processing and accepting it did wonders.
  • February 17th: I told two friends at college, they both had very accepting reactions.
  • I was flying high, happier than I had been in recent memory. It was amazing, I remember vividly how great I was feeling and how I was so glad this was dealt with.
  • Then, I stopped feeling great. I went back to how I was at the beginning of the month, getting really sad all the damn time and crying what seemed to be 24/7. I started staying the entire hour of my sessions with my therapist, crying the entire time over anything and everything as I recounted the nightmares and the panic attacks and the random crying fits that had come back and gotten even worse. Then she introduced the word “depression” for the first time.
  • I felt really confused, I had just admitted what felt like this giant thing to all of the people, family excluded, that I talk to regularly. I had gotten used to saying it, I could admit “I like girls” without my voice shaking or my heart pounding in my chest. I couldn’t understand why admitting it to myself and to other people hadn’t magically fixed things. Then I slowly started to realize that despite admitting it, I hadn’t really accepted myself. I still wasn’t comfortable in my skin.

March 2019:

  • This month has been pretty rough. I’m still working through a lot of things mental health wise, both related to this and not related to this, but I am trying to learn how to be more accepting of myself and who I am. I want to eventually be comfortable in my own skin.
  • This is part of how I’m doing that. It may seem weird or odd, but doing this has helped me so so much. Writing out all of these feelings and once again, knowing that there is a chance that other people will read these words and process and accept them, means a lot. So thank you, thank you so much.

That’s about it for this super personal post. Thank you again for reading, you have no idea how much it means to me.

A couple of fun notes before you go: I don’t use the label lesbian. I just don’t, it doesn’t seem right for me and I honestly don’t like it. I am totally fine with gay, you can call me gay all you want, but please don’t refer to me as a lesbian. I am also still very much asexual, the fact that I am romantically attracted to girls does not erase that.

Anyways, thanks again. I’ll see you tomorrow for something actually planned and book related.

20 thoughts on “Coming Out

  1. I cannot express how proud I am of you right now (and always). I know coming to terms with all this has been a difficult journey but you’re doing it and I’m just so endlessly happy for you. Like, I’m an emotional mess over this post. I love you so much and I’m so honored to call you my friend. You have my support always❤️❤️❤️

    Also I haven’t even read Cam Post yet but I’m truly so thankful for that book for helping you as much as it has. We love Cam!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ugh Brianna I love you so so much, you have honestly been so so helpful in this entire process I can’t even begin to thank you as much as I want to. Thanks for letting me randomly come out to you at 2 am, thank you for helping start this entire process, and thank you for dealing with me ranting as I began to tell other people.

      Also, like, you need to read Cam.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Good for you! We don’t know each other but I’m happy for you, that you’ve realised this about yourself and that you have the courage to do this. Best of luck and love 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey, congrats on posting this! I know this can’t have been easy. Much like you, in December of 2017 I realized I was bisexual but saying it out loud made it too real, so I didn’t tell anyone. On April Fools day on 2018, it finally got to be too much. I had to tell someone, so I told my family one person at a time. I knew they would be accepting because my twin sister bad already come out as a lesbian a few years back. It was still really difficult. Like you, there was no defining moment of my childhood that should have given me a clue. I always had crushes on boys. But in hindsight, I always thought girls were pretty. I just thought that was how everyone saw them. I got a world record book from the scholastic book fair and one paige was dedicated to Kiera Knightley. I would sit there for ever just looking at how pretty she was, and I was in grade school.
    Anyways, all this to say I understand where you’re coming from and how you’re feeling, and I am proud of you! I wish you luck on the rest of your coming out journey!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story!! Good to know that I wasn’t the only one that didn’t have a huge defining moment, everyone always asks me for one and I’m like “um, there wasn’t one” and they get confused.


  4. !! Arin, I am so proud of you. I am in literal TEARS right now. You are the bravest soul. I am so sorry that the journey (both about this and your mental health) has been so difficult for you in the past few months. I don’t really know if I identify as a certain label (they are really… tricky? and also they feel really final and I just don’t feel like sexuality/romantic attraction has to be final. It’s fluid and that should just be that so yea fuck labels) BUT I guess if I HAD to label myself, I’d say I’m bisexual. I think that I knew for a really long time (like, since I was 5 because I wanted to kiss the girls on the playground instead of the boys, LOL) but I didn’t ever come to terms with it until 2017 when I was 19. I had some experiences with girls (none romantic, though I did have crushes that never amounted to anything) that had me thinking for a long time that maybe I was just curious about girls sexually. I had always dated boys even though I’d had sexually intimate encounters with girls. I’ve also been with my now boyfriend since I was 16, so it was really hard to come to terms with my own feelings without feeling like maybe I was overthinking it. It’s been an absolute HELL of a time, and I wouldn’t even really say that I’ve “come out” to many. I’ve only outwardly said, “I like girls” to a handful of people, including my boyfriend, sister, and best friend. My mom has told me countless times that she would be entirely accepting if I came out to her, but I’m still not ready, ya know? I think it’s similar to what you said about still not being entirely comfortable with yourself yet. Some people assume and that’s fine with me, but I’m not ready to just talk about it with everyone.

    Totally sorry for completely ranting and basically giving you my life story on YOUR post, but my point was just that I relate really well and that I’m sooo super proud of you for taking a step like this. I’m also glad that you pointed out that having a romantic attraction to girls does not negate that you identify as asexual. Some people will try to label you themselves and it’s SO important to stick to what you know in your soul about yourself. You are magnificent and if you seriously ever want to talk about anything like this (or your mental health), my DMs are open!! ♥♥

    Sidenote to Brianna: UHM if you haven’t read Cameron Post, WHAT are you doing!? I demand you do it ASAP.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my gosh Brittany!! Thank you so much for sharing, its honestly such a relief to know that other people understand where I am coming from because I feel like all of my friends have just always known and I’m like ….uh, no. Also yes labels are so so tricky and kind of irrelevant? I spent so much time obsessing over the fact that I wasn’t comfortable with the label lesbian and if that was supposed to be secretly telling me something or what its not even funny. But then I realized I can just say “I like girls” and not give a label so that’s what I’ve been doing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course! Sharing these kinds of things can be SO hard but also SO helpful for others who are trying to come to terms with their feelings and attractions as well. Labels are the absolute worst and I don’t subscribe to them for myself. I totally get why some people want to use a label, and I always respect those, but for me personally, I just like who I like! I struggle to know whether I am “bisexual” or “pansexual”, and I guess I just decided that it didn’t really matter because I’m the only one who knows who I’m attracted to and I don’t have to explain it to anyone!! Same goes for you! If you aren’t comfortable with the lesbian label then that’s totally ok!! I think it’s great that you aren’t trying to label yourself because in all honesty, I just think that most often, labels are for the other people that we talk to about our attractions. We already know what we like… they need a label to understand it fully.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Aw, first of all, this was very brave of you. Not just that you posted here, but you also admitted to yourself, and people that matter to you. We are after all just internet strangers (well, most of us, anyway), so what we think/don’t think shouldn’t really matter.

    It’s a process, but it seems you are on the right track!

    I have the Cameron Post book as well – haven’t read it tho, but heard really great stuff about it. So i’m really happy that this book is actually helping you with your personal things – it’s awesome 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Arin!!!! I’m so happy for you! You’re so brave. ❤️ I’m sorry you had to go through such a rough time to get to this point, but now that you know this about yourself, I hope you live the happiest and most fulfilling life because you deserve all the good things that life has to offer. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so so proud of you for this post and for your bravery! I struggled a lot when I started realizing that I identify as bisexual, and the only person irl that I’ve come out to is my husband. I hate that this journey has been so difficult for you. I wish there were better words to say that would erase any pain that you’ve already gone through and continue to go through. Just know that you aren’t alone. There are so many of us that support you, relate to you, and love you!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Arin!!!! Thank you for sharing this! You are so valuable. It’s so hard to wrestle with these questions. In the months and years after I came out, I’ve had so many questions and doubts and fears, but it is a good thing and I’m proud of you!

    Liked by 1 person

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